I just spent a few minutes looking through my drafts (my almost posts), and there are plenty of them! And boy am I sure glad I didn’t finish and publish most of them! Whew! I know I’ve gotten deep and dark, and downright whiny in a lot of these posts, but they got nothin on some of the stuff I almost let loose. A lot of it was venting, and it was good to get it out of my heart, but it also made me a little sad to see how sad, frustrated, and well, depressed I was. Don’t get me wrong, depression is not an ugly word, but it can certainly make you feel that way. I used to wince whenever I heard it (when someone was referring to me, of course), and hearing it didn’t make me feel any less depressed – it just made me feel weaker and more miserable than I already was. Looking back, I was depressed, damaged, heart-broken, and a lot more adjectives I could throw in there. However, I wasn’t weak. And I wasn’t the miserable human being I thought myself to be. It’s taken a long, long time to realize that, but I have, and dare I say, I think I’m actually pretty darn close to happy now! I owe this to my wonderful family, friends, and ME! I was so busy being caught up in worry, stress, anxiety, and all kinds of negative stuff that was doing nothing but tearing me down – it just took awhile to realize it.
As I’ve mentioned, I joined a Bible study with my mom (to which my attendance has not been terribly stellar), as well as a Grief Share group. Both classes are somewhat difficult with our weekend schedules, but I’ve done the best I can. These have both helped a bit, and they both helped me gather the courage to step outside of my comfort zone and join another. Mind you, I have NEVER been in a Bible study in my life, and now I’m in three?! Well, this third group is a little easier to attend, as it’s during the middle of the week in the morning. A woman that I met not long after we moved here, and one who I absolutely ADORE, posted on Facebook that she was interested in hosting a group in her home and asked who might be interested. As I began to see the number of women posting comments with interest in joining, my courage began to melt. Mind you, quite a bit of my recent damage was caused here in this community by a person who is friends with some of these women. And that person was someone I had, for awhile, considered a friend. You can’t blame me for being a little gun shy. Back to the Bible study. I’m not typically one who is comfortable “sharing” unless I’m, well, comfortable. The hostess wanted to do a Beth Moore Bible study, and I had heard a lot about this amazing woman, but had yet to read one of her books. Ultimately, I decided to take the plunge and say “what the heck?” I was so nervous about going to the first meeting, I didn’t really pay attention to the book we were reading until I grabbed one from her dining room table. The title:
So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us
Seriously? I don’t think I could have stumbled onto a better group, or better food for my soul! I’ve been to two meeting so far, and I’m still not entirely comfortable sharing, and I might not ever get there. However, this woman, Beth Moore, is AMAZING! I just wish I would have found her a long time ago! Not sure if I would have read it, so I guess I wish someone would’ve hit me over the head with this book a long time ago 😉 As I said, this is a Bible study. I am a Christian, and always have been. Not the best Christian, mind you, but I’ve always kept my faith. I’ve never really been an evangelistic type of Christian. I’m not knocking those who are – I’m just pretty private in my faith. I think out of respect for friends and family with different beliefs, I have never tried to push mine onto them, or make them uncomfortable. Personally, I find pushy religious fanatics (ie: we’re right, you’re wrong) kinda offensive, and I tend to steer clear of them. Enough of that soap box! I guess what I’m trying to say is that, of course Beth Moore refers to scripture in her writing, but most of her writing comes from her heart, and she’s a person (pretty amazing person, albeit), just like you and me. She writes about real-life situations, and is very humble when writing about her own experiences and uncomfortable situations. I have devoured half of the book in just a couple of sittings. It touches on some pretty heavy stuff, but some pretty heavy stuff I needed to touch on. I probably could have read it in it’s entirety in just a few hours, but since it’s a little deeper than my usual murder mystery (and my ADD only allows every third sentence to sink in), I decided to take my time, highlight what I needed to go back to, and do the workbook along with it. Wow! It is pretty powerful stuff! Yes, I do feel a little like Bridget Jones with all of the self-help books on my night stand 😉 Jokes aside, this route seems to be working a little better than the pool of denial I’ve been swimming in for nearly a decade.
If you know me well, you are all too aware of how much I DWELL upon just about everything. It’s exhausting! I’m not quite sure when I fell into this pattern or if I’ve always been this way. However, this characteristic has become almost debilitating to me, and extremely annoying to those around me. My nerve endings finally became so raw that I became perhaps the most insecure person I can imagine. Insecure. It wasn’t a word that I would have chosen to describe myself (although it’s apparently been flashing day and night from the neon sign that floats above my head). Nope. Here are a few I would’ve chosen: grief-stricken, sad, stressed, anxiety-ridden, pissed, and yep, even depressed. Insecure – never even occurred to me (that came along with the denial package I ordered). Gosh, that word, “insecure”, might have bothered me more than “depressed” at one time! Now, it really doesn’t bother me much at all. Perhaps, because an entire roomful of pretty amazing women came together to “share” their insecurities and try to help themselves as well as the rest of us. Also, a pretty awesome woman devoted an entire book (as well as a chunk of her life) to researching and trying to figure out how we can rid ourselves of this nasty demon. Mostly, I guess because I know I’m not alone in this. I guess I’ve felt pretty darn alone for quite some time. Alone in my grief, lonely because I’m missing my friends and family back home, alone in my anger, lonely in my pity party for one. This book has opened a big, bright, beautiful door for me – I know that I’m not alone. And yes, I know that I’ve never been alone, but I have certainly isolated myself from many, including those who love me the most. This book, along with the Grief Group and other Bible Study (Dealing with Damaged Emotions) have certainly pointed out to me that I am not at all alone. I’ve certainly become more open to God and his healing, and I truly think that He has helped me because I’ve finally let Him in. However, knowing that so many of us struggle on a daily basis with some of the same issues, and perhaps we can help one another overcome those issues, is so incredibly inspiring to me! I love that this book addresses a lot of issues I have kept to myself for fear of someone throwing a straight jacket on me if I ever let it out! I am so comforted in the fact that a lot of the emotions I have had are actually normal 😉 This book has helped me come to peace with myself and my choices, and I’m happy to say that I haven’t really found myself fretting over a conversation, decision, relationship, etc. in weeks! That might sound small, but to someone whose life has been controlled by worry and second-guessing, this is absolutely monumental!!
I highly recommend this book to ANYONE, but especially to the women in my life! I think we all have insecurities of some type, and they do nothing but hold us back! If anyone is interested, here’s the info! Have a wonderful weekend!