Nice people don’t suck

I am writing this coming off of two weekends of down time, which was ABSOLUTELY necessary!   The first was a weekend spent in Austin with my hubby – we went to go check out Austin City Limits, which is a pretty cool thing!  It’s 2 weekends full of morning til night bands – 4 stages and someone playing all the time.  After we got past a few roadblocks (metaphorical, of course), we had a great time!  We really need to do more of that, even just sneaking away every now and then at home.  We certainly don’t do it enough!  It doesn’t help when 2 little girls sob uncontrollably and ask us not to leave 😉  What are you doing to them while we’re gone anyway, Mom?  😉

Watching The Cure with my hot hubby!

The following weekend (Thursday, actually), I hopped on a plane for Home, Sweet, Home!  Wearing my Colts gear, I happily sprinted to my plane (as I cut it a little too close!) and was peacefully en-route to Indianapolis early Thursday morning!  One of my oldest and dearest friends had found her soul-mate, and they were getting married that Saturday.  She’s had a rough couple of years – I believe I’ve written about her before.  Her dirt bag ex-husband (and father of her two beautiful, sweet girls) cheated on her with some floozy that worked at his bar.  I distinctly remember getting her phone call, because I was on my first house-hunting trip in Houston.  Not much makes a bestie feel more worthless than being that far away at a moment of crisis, with the intention on moving away 😦  Flash forward – she met an AWESOME guy!  He is perfect for her!  They are perfect for each other!  And now, finally, she is being treated like  the wonderful, compassionate person she is 🙂  I was lucky enough to be asked to stand up with her, along with 2 other lifelong friends, a newer friend (almost 10 years, so she’s stuck!), and her sister.  I had one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long, long time!  I kinda forgot what it was like to feel completely comfortable around people, and know they aren’t going to judge me.  I managed to put a hole in my dress and spill half a beer on another bridesmaid before the ceremony, and I still felt nothin’ but love 😉  I got to spend Sunday with another lifelong friend , and had absolutely too much fun!!   I’ve been in such a weird, tense, anxious place for so long, sadly, it became the norm for me.  It took being around true, loving friends and family to pull me out of it.  I now remember what normal is supposed to feel like, and I really don’t want to go back to where I was.  I don’t know if my friends even realize how much good that weekend did me!  I miss them dearly, but I know they’re only a phone call away!  Love you girls!

 

Me and some of my favorite peeps!

So, getting home last Monday was bittersweet for me.  I, of course, missed my kiddos, my hubby and my mom like crazy!  But it was so hard to leave my comfort zone.  It’s not like home here.  It’s really hard for me to connect with people.  I’ve always felt a little socially awkward, and I don’t easily trust.  However, once I do trust you, apparently, you can screw me over and over and over again.  This kinda leads back to the new-found clarity I talked about in my last post.  I didn’t realize what a detriment I have been to myself for years until lately.  I’ve always been a “fixer” by nature – if someone I care about is in trouble, I try to help.  Normal, empathetic people appreciate that.  Others don’t.  Instead of taking a hint, I just keep putting myself out there again and again.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve connected with a few awesome people here, and that has been my salvation!  However, the “norm” here is a lot of vindictive, back-stabbing, hurtful negativity.   I’m now somewhat frustrated with some of the situations I’ve found myself in, and I’m doing my best to put myself first from now on.  By putting myself first, I mean my family unit as well.  I have put our needs on the back burner for so long that it’s caused some damage.  From our weekend away, I found that the damage is not permanent, but it will take some time to repair.  I have had to come to the conclusion that I HAVE to figure out how to let stuff go, for my own sake as well as my family’s.  I can’t fix everything, and I certainly can’t change people to think like I do.  Ironically, I’ve always appreciated the differences in people (with a few glaring exceptions), but I seem to get a lot of crap for my differences here.  And this, of course, makes me more anxious, awkward and flat-out stressed.  I’ve been living my life like this for too long (someone recently compared my “state of being” to someone with PTSD – not too far off, I think).  I’m tired of waking up every morning with every intention of being a positive and awesome wife, mom, daughter, friend, and then being sent to Anxietyville for the rest of the day when presented with more negativity.   Instead, I’ve come to realize that I have no choice but to eliminate the things in my life that cause me tremendous stress and anxiety.  I’m doing my best – lots of deep breaths.  Oh, and I think I found a doc to talk to.  I actually took my son to him last week, and it seemed to work.  My turn, I guess.  Until the doc can help me sort through the insanely jumbled mess in my head, I need to make this my mantra:

Be true to yourself!  Peace!