A lot has changed since my last post, and that’s a good thing. First off, I called bullshit on myself. I have been in such a deep ocean of denial for such a long time, and it was drowning me. I’m finally able to admit that I have been depressed, severely depressed for quite some time. With much urging from my family doctor, I begrudgingly agreed to start taking Wellbutrin for my anxiety and depression. I went to that appointment with an arsenal of pharmaceutical knowledge, and my doctor basically just told me I was a pain in the ass. He agreed that I didn’t need an MAOI – you can’t take anything with those, and if they don’t work, you have to wait at least 14 days to start something new. Point for me! In my best interest , I did admit to him that I had undergone psychological testing (although I didn’t want to), and he spoke with the psychologist. As I expected, she was vehemently opposed to me taking any type of stimulant (to treat the ADHD I’m still positive I have) at that time due to my extremely high anxiety. I was not happy about that at all. As a matter of fact, I got into a teary screaming match with my doctor at my follow up appointment. I’d already bumped up my dose of Wellbutrin (so I could make sure I could sleep at night – who am I kidding – my sleep pattern has been horribly unhealthy for the last 2-3 years). I told him I didn’t want any Xanax or Ativan – I just need to be able to try one of the ADHD meds on the market, as I am still a HOT mess! He said I needed to wait a little bit and make sure I can get my anxiety under control. Needless to say, I left the appointment NOT HAPPY.
As I was too busy acting like a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way, I didn’t notice the gradual, very positive change that was happening inside of me. I was no longer waking up feeling like there was a cement block on my chest (anxiety). As a matter of fact, I would say that my anxiety is 95% under control after about 6 weeks on Wellbutrin. This is HUGE for me. Prior to starting this medicine, I don’t remember a day in the past year or so that I didn’t have insanely high anxiety. I can’t remember a day in the past year that I didn’t have to take deep breath after deep breath all day long just to try and hold it together. I was in such a horrible place that my life was a constant source of stress that I couldn’t escape from. I was short tempered and mean to everyone I loved, and crazy stressed around everyone else, to the point I didn’t feel comfortable anywhere or with anyone. Needless to say, the fact that the chronic stress I was feeling is all but gone actually makes me want to cry with joy! I am a better mom, which is so incredibly important to me. Nothing makes me more sad than the prospect of leaving behind a legacy of pessimism and crabbiness. My kids are happier, and that makes me a little sad (because of what I’ve put them through), but also incredibly happy because I can be the mom they need me to be now. I think everyone, to some extent, takes their bad moods and stress out on those closest to them – I think it’s natural because you can let your guard down around those who love you. I took that to EXTREMES! I have been, for lack of better words, a GIANT BITCH to live with for a very long time. I’m incredibly lucky that my mom and Brian love me so much – I don’t think I would have/could have put up with the amount of shit that I have dished out to them. Again, I’m sad that I’ve treated those people I love the most so badly, but I’m so relieved that I know I can now be the daughter and wife they need me to be. I can see the relief in their eyes in my drastic change in attitude and behavior. I am trying much harder to communicate respectfully with them and it is really helping. Wellbutrin has been a miracle for me – it is certainly paving my road to recovery. I know that there needs to be a lot more involved in that recovery, including therapy. Baby steps.
I still haven’t called the psychologist back. I’m conflicted as to whether or not I should. On one hand, she was the first normal person I have met with regarding my mental health! Big plus! However, I’m still stuck on the fact that I felt she was extremely condescending and not the best listener. Still not sure if she’s the one for me. I know that when I go back to my family doc, he’s going to want to know why I’m still not in therapy. Hopefully, he won’t hold it against me. I know that I need to take this step, but I don’t think I’m quite ready yet. The psychologist told me that in order to heal, I need (1) medicine, (2) exercise, and (3) therapy – none of these are negotiable. I am religiously taking the Wellbutrin daily. However, I have only half-heartedly tried the exercise thing – more in the beginning in order to burn off anxiety (the effects of Wellbutrin were brutal the first week I was taking it – my anxiety was off the charts). I am trying, but only getting 1 or 2 semi-workouts in per week. I am trying to actually schedule that into my day, and I am going to try really hard to stick to that commitment. Baby steps. I think the biggest motivator for daily exercise is the fact that I’ve now gained more than 30 pounds since Mary was diagnosed with cancer last January. Needless to say, I’m a stress eater. That, along with my crazy high anxiety levels and the cortisol that goes along with that, means that I am NOT the poster child for healthy living right now. It’s time to change that.
My reality check came tonight, as I was looking for cute clothes to take on a trip with my hubby this week (which I will get to). 2 pair of pants, TWO PAIR OF PANTS in my closet fit me. That’s it! WTF?! When did that happen?! When did I become a GIANT FAT ASS?!! Seriously, that doesn’t just sneak up on you! I have a closet FULL of cute clothes, none of which will fit on my lumpy, tubby frame right now 😦 Therefore, I’m DONE! I’m done with mindlessly shoving crap in my mouth when I’m bored or sad! I’m DONE making excuses as to why I didn’t get a work out in. I’m DONE short-changing myself! Sadly, I’ve been in such a state of self-pity, telling myself that it’s not fair, after all the shit life has thrown at me, that I’m in this horrible, yucky place. I’ve finally realized that life’s not fair, and that I need to work my ass off if I am going to be healthy and happy, and that’s what I’m going to do! As a matter of fact, I found my inspiration on Pinterest, of all places:
“You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on.” ~Oprah Winfrey
This is now the screensaver and wallpaper on my phone and Ipad, so I have to see it several times a day. I need this reminder constantly. It is so true. Life is about moving on. Bad shit happens every day to so many different people. If everyone stopped in their tracks and refused to move on (like I have), the world would be a pretty difficult place to live in. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, and now that I have caught a glimpse of it, I’m determined to do whatever I can to hold onto it! I feel that the clouds have lifted just enough for me to see the sunshine. Time for me to take the reins and kick my own ass because I know that is what it’s going to take!
I know I’ve been a scary ass BIOTCH to live with, but seriously y’all – it IS your duty (local friends and family) to let me know that NO AMOUNT OF SPANX is going to hide the extra ass I’ve grown! Now that I’m a calmer, more rational me, I am charging you with the job of helping me stay on track! No more fried food (thank God Rodeo is over – did I really eat 3 giant corndogs within a 2 week period?)! No more late night munchies! No more Shack! Mama is going back to healthy eating!
On that note, I’m guessing I need to get my unhealthy butt to bed! Wish me luck!
My next post will include all of the AWESOME stuff that has happened to me lately, I promise!
3here1inheaven 